So I suck at restraint

last modified: Monday, November 24, 2008 (12:17:05 PM CST)

So I really suck at restraint.

I can be SUCH a pulsating dork sometimes, I can’t believe it.
Before you start reading why (in case you do not know me yet and hadn’t formed an opinion of your own about me) you must realise that I have just bought three Vampire Knight Rilezu, one Inuyasha OP cel and one rather expensive Kagura (IY) pan cel so it’s kind of an understatement to say I have already gloriously reached my spending limit this month what cels are concerned.

So what happened? Well, let me illuminate!

I was watching a Dragonball auction end on YJ just now and I was amazed at the low bids the cel was getting. Mind you, the character displayed on that cel used to go for four digit prices, so I was surprised seeing this cel barely reaching the 20000 yen mark.

So what do I do?
I, in my infinite wisdom, decide to bid on said cel, just because I’m a real cranky tosspot and I do not want someone else getting a great cel for practically nothing.
But darn it! I was certain that a bidding war would soon start over it, that two or three true DB collectors would pull each others hair out over it and that the auction would at least double in price.
So I sit back and relax, convinced I’d soon be unceremoniously kicked out of that almighty but unpredictable throne of highest bidder and waited for the auction to end.

The auction passes the 5 minutes mark.
No counter bids.

The auction passes the 4 minutes mark and I casually flick my hand at the screen and think…yeah, any time now.
But no counter bids.

The auction passes the 3 minutes mark and I’m clenching my butt tighter than a straight guy in a gay bar.
And still no counter bids.

The auction passes the 2 minutes mark and I’m slowly but steadily flowing into a state of uncontrolled panic.
Why the hell aren’t there any counter bids….!!!

The 1 minute mark passes and I know I’m seriously fucked!

So now I feel lousy for not only bidding, but also for winning the damned thing!
True, it’s a very cool shot of SSJ4 Gogeta looking all smug, but damn! I don’t have the extra funds lying around for this unexpected cel at this time of the month! I'm strapped tighter than a bondage victim these days. Last thing I need is some hairy, testosterone-overflowing guy with an attitude problem kamehameha-ing my finances. Hell! If I wanted that I’d get myself a ruddy boyfriend!

So I was staring in disbelief at the confirmation email that I had actually won the cel, sourly thinking that the person I had outbid was probably sitting the exact same way in their chair at that same moment, but they were wiping their forehead in frickin’ relief, happy that some other schmuck now had to cough up the dough.

I can hear you thinking, ‘Hah! Serves her right for being a greedy crapper and not giving others a chance at a good deal!’ and you’re probably right. But man, I’m feeling really sorry for myself now.

And I know this whining afterwards is like criticising the paint job of the Titanic but hey, it floats my boat at this point (no pun intended), so please bear with me a little.

God! I suck >_<

Anyone want to buy some cels?

Ne?

Wendy – missing her father a lot

What’s left behind…

last modified: Sunday, October 19, 2008 (2:44:42 PM CST)

...when a person you love so much leaves you.

Last night my father passed away.

It was relatively peaceful, as in his last hours he was kept in an artificial sleep. Even during his final day he was fighting, still his heart was strong because even so close to death, he was resisting the morphine.

But at 10:20 in the evening, he stopped breathing.
My mother and me were there, and we watched him leave, still holding his hand.

I don’t think I can describe how I feel at this point. My heart hurts constantly. It’s almost like invisible hands are reaching into my chest, grasping it.

I’m relieved he doesn’t have to suffer anymore, that his struggle is over and that he can find some peace. At the same time I feel guilty for feeling relieved. Because it sounds too much like I’m relieved he died. I know it’s not rational to think that way, but I can’t help it.

I’m sorry for a lot of things, for ever having been angry at him for silly, trivial things, for not having told him I love him more often, for not…

I’m going to miss him.
I already miss him, more than he will probably ever know.

Although he’s now gone and he will never talk to me or hold me ever again, I know there’s a little place inside me where I will always find him.

I want to thank everyone who’s sent me messages and who commented on my weblog(s). The response has been overwhelming and heart-warming, and believe it or not, it comforted me a lot. It helped.

So many of you have experienced the same or similar pain. I can tell you now that, only now, I know how you felt. Even though it may not make us stronger, in a way it does bring us together.

Thank you.

A horrible decision

last modified: Friday, October 17, 2008 (9:26:47 AM CST)

Some of you know that my father is very ill.
Only a select few of you know he’s been fighting cancer for over six years now.
Today we had to make a decision no person should ever have to make.

Five, almost six years ago my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. He was 55 at the time and he was strong. I have never met a stronger man than my father. He was a pillar of strength and reassurance for his three women; my mother, my sister and me. We could always count on him. He was always there for us.
When he heard he had cancer four years ago he decided that he would not let it beat him. And it didn’t. He won from the cancer and after radiation and an operation he was pronounced cured.

Two years ago he suffered a major stroke which left his left arm paralyzed. His left leg also had a hard time following his right and he used to drag his foot, but at least he could still walk. It took him 6 months to recover, in 6 months he aged five years, but we watched him reclaim his strength little by little. He never got back the use of his left arm, but he managed and he got quite handy with his right.

However; because a large portion of his brain had died because it was deprived of blood for that short period of time, his personality had changed drastically and the day he had that stroke I lost the man I had known as my father my entire life.

While he was still recovering from the stroke we learned that the cancer had returned. And it had returned very aggressively. It hit us hard. Because of the stroke, and because chemotherapy wasn’t working, eventually, after months of fighting, we were told there was nothing more they could do for him. I knew I was going to lose my father a second time.

Now, after months of fighting the disease we have reached the end of the road.
His body is broken and in pain. Living has become a struggle.
He is a shadow of the man he once was.

Today we had to make the irreversible decision that we had to let him go.

For the next couple of days, we will wait for him to pass.
The only thing left for us, the only thing we can do for him, is be there with him and give him comfort.

Somehow, in a strange way, it feels that writing about it like this and telling people I hardly know about it, helps me cope with the decision we had to make today.

My favourite band, Buck-Tick, announced the release of a new single today.
It is called Heaven.
When I saw that I cried.
It could not have been more appropriate.

I’m sorry dad, that in the end I was powerless and couldn’t make things easier for you after all.
You’ve fought so hard. You have been so brave. You don’t have to fight anymore.

I love you daddy.
You’ll be with me always.